you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
