I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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