I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
