i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
