my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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