you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
