That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
