I hope mine doesn't look like that
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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