By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
