Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
