Midget sex pt 2 tonight
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
