I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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