A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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