I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
