I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
