the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Randomize
