There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize