Jerry, you need to find god
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
