he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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