no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
