First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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