Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
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