Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
