I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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