My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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