Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize