my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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