Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
