she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
