Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
