the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
