When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
