So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
you never un-have a 4some
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
