i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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