I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
