my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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