note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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