hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
So many bounce houses so little time
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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