Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
In America we eat man semen.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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