My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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