clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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