He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
