I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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