i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
