Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
