What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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