I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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