a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
it was like eating out sand paper
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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