What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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