its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
