is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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