He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
My cat gives me a boner
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
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