No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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