you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
