In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
