took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
