would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
