My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
