Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
we're so committed to being not committed
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
