i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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