the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
